It's late. After a day of guests, preparing big meals for lots of kids and cleaning the house from the tornado of life, I finally sit down at the computer to take some time for myself.  Aaaah. Quiet at last. What? What are you yelling to me from upstairs? You forgot you have a project due on Monday and haven’t prepared anything? Ok. Another child interjects, I feel sick.  One more voice pops up, “I need one more hug.” I think I addressed everyone’s needs temporarily so I can get back to focusing. 

So where do I start? A little background information will give you insight into why I decided to tackle the million dollar question, “How can a be the best parent possible” Disclaimer: I am no more the best parent ever then you are but as a mother of ten I certainly have some insight that will help you shine in the most challenging and precious role that most of humanity attempts to undertake.

I grew up as the youngest of two girls. I always knew I wanted a big family but did not really make that a life goal.  After shifting my life from a very secular reality as a cheerleader, Phish fan, sarcastic Jersey girl to a deeply spiritual, seeker of wisdom, devoted wife, and mother of ten. 

Through the broadening of my perspective, I payed attention to the intricacies of human nature.  I become open and interested in seeing the unique composition of each individual.  I am hopelessly optimistic and see the Infinite potential we all possess.  It is from this vantage point that I come to you to offer a glimpse into the journey of parenting and how to be better.

Trust Yourself- 

We start out this journey being handed the most precious, mysterious and fragile gift. All the potential and protection for this life rests immediately upon our shoulders whether we are ready or not. For many this may bring along a fear and a voice of self doubt. Unfortunately this voice will haunt you throughout your journey. The first step to grow into the shoes of the great parent you are meant to be is to quiet this voice.  

The logistics of a newborn are complicated and often, extra support is crucial.  Sometimes this can come in the form of a pro, someone who has the experience we can learn from. At times the help will come from a book or video that will temporarily make us feel like we know what we are doing. Regardless of how we survive and hopefully thrive in these early days, we can take one important lesson.  We are capable of a lot more than we ever thought possible.  This lesson will carry through the ups and downs of your parenting journey.  As much as you are learning how to tend to another life, you are also learning about yourself.  A mother or father will greatly benefit to seeing their parenting as a personal journey just as much as a journey as a family. This is the greatest opportunity one has to truly express who they are in creating an outgrowth of their very being as well as coming to terms with our own ability to nurture, protect, and guide another human life. We must do all this while still maintaining our own identity and allowing our own identity to expand and shift. 

There is a mystical Jewish belief that before a soul enters into a body, it is allowed to choose the parents that will give it the best guidance through the journey of life.  Some will learn the life lessons in spite of their parents and others will learn the life lessons because of the parents.  This means that the symphony of our successes and failures are custom made for our child. Needless to say, this is only applicable to someone who truly cares and is invested in the well being of their child.  This is for a healthy family that is going to experience leaps forward and real setbacks.

Trust yourself and trust the process.

It takes a Village

Your spouse, Your partner

Seemlesness and Boundries

As I got out of my car, I said out loud, “I don’t want to do this.” I was so nervous about what awaited me and if I would be up to the task of being a proper support. Beyond not wanting to do this for me, I did not want my friend to be in such a state that she needed round the clock support and that her family was put in this situation.

I walked in and the atmosphere was warm and inviting.  The father was winding down a birthday fabringen. The girls were all around with the warmest welcome and sweetest smiles. It was actually a pleasure.  Another woman walked over and asked if I was here for the night shift. When I said yes, she proceeded to tell me everything I needed to know. She told me to doze on the couch if I needed, to be on top of the nurse because she was extremely tired.  She told me to rub Devorah’s arm and reassure her. I felt so much more relaxed and comfortable having more of an idea what the night would look like for me.

Devroah was very uncomfortable and agitated. She seemed nervous and worried about the long night ahead.  She hadn’t had a good night sleep in several nights and we were hoping medicine could help her relax enough to fall asleep.  Little by little, everyone retired for the night. It was the nurse, Sarahand myself. Sure enough Sarahfell asleep.  I had plenty to do, catch up on chitas(daily studies), say tehillem (psalms), try and learn Basi L’gani (a complex Hasidic discourse), play some games…eventually I dozed off as well.

When there was beeping, I asked the nurse what was going on and she fixed the machines until the beeping stopped. At one point the machines all turned off and myself and the nurse jumped up. Baruch Hashem everything restarted and worked just right the rest of the night. At one point Sarahwoke up and was very upset.  Myself and the nurse  could not calm her.  I called her husband on his cell phone and he came downstairs.

She automatically felt more at ease when her husband came.  Though she didn’t have words, her husband understood her needs.  There was something so deeply intimate about their communication. He was her voice. He was her advocate.  He was so deeply devoted. As he reassured her that her numbers were good, he was able to try and catch a little more sleep before daybreak and before the impending snow storm.

Sarahwas uncomfortable and dosed in and out while trying to grasp small adjustments for comfort. Morning came and with it came the heavy snow. A new nurse arrived and Devorah’s daughter came and was by her side. It was time for me to head home but I really didn’t want to leave.  I made my way home but couldn’t wait to come back.  

After the storm subsided and the roads were drivable, I came back for a visit. I was met with the same warmth and sweet smiles of the family.  Sarahslept most of the time and I said Tehillem by her side. At one point she awoke.  When her 12 year old son saw her eyes open, he said with the sweetest joy, "Oh hey mom!” His eyes sparkled with delight. Devorah’s  grandson had been circling around and every time he came into the dining room turned hospital room, he would point and say in his sweet 1 year old voice…Bubby…and he would smile. When Sarahsaw him, her eyes would light up. When she woke, she was extremely uncomfortable and needed the trek drained.  All by her side tried to offer support and reassurance but her discomfort and fear were palpable. She wanted to be understood.  Her husband understood her language. I needed to leave and return home. It was so hard to pull myself away even though I felt like I was doing very little to help. I left.  When her husband returned, she was much better.

The gentle atmosphere of warmth, concern and love enveloped me when I first came. So sincere and so authentic.  The bright smile of her son and the excitement of her grandchildren, the caring daughters offering reassurance and connection. The unspoken unity between husband and wife. A community pouring out to offer any support possible. The gentle reassuring caress of her arms and legs. The grasp of a hand looking for reassurance. Sometimes there is so much light generated in the darkness. May we merit Moshiach Now!

Yud Shvat

The tenth of the Hebrew month of Shvat carries a strong and transformative weight. This day has a revolutionary message in which we can begin the process of seeing the world around us as a garden. It is a place that harnesses tremendous beauty but this only comes about through cultivation, vision, and hard work.

On this day, the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe wrote and edited a 5 part Chassidic discourse that was meant to be distributed in stages on different Yertzeits beginning with the Grandmother, Rebbetzin Rivkah’s Yartzeit, followed by the next segment being distributed on The Rebbe Rashab’s Yertzeit. This discourse that was deeply connected to the yartzeit of those around the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe’s family would be ready for distribution instead on the day His neshama would ascend.

During the horrific times of the Holocaust and the death and destruction brought about by Communist Russia, the world was in a very dark place. Hashem creates everything in balance. Therefore, if there can be darkness brought about by the two evil monsters of these regimes, there is also (lehavdil) a force of light of equal magnitude. That light was the previous Lubavitcher Rebbe. The day his neshama ascended seemed to be a day of darkness for the Jewish people and very much so for the Chassidic Jews all around the world who awaited the day to be near the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe.

Every generation has a Moshe Rabainu, a leader who would help navigate the challenges of the generation. Who would be our Moshe? Many Chassidim were certain they knew the best individual for the job. However, the individual did not see any need for a new leader. The Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe’s son-in-law adhered to the idea that a shepherd will never abandon his flock. In addition to thinking this, the future Rebbe saw this play out in front of his eyes. When Chassidim needed an answer regarding a very private problem, the Previous Rebbe’s son-in-law would relay messages from the Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe that no one else knew about. It was clear that there was still very open communication between The Previous Lubavitcher Rebbe and his son-in-law.

Over the course of the year, Chassidim would come to the soon-to-be Rebbe asking, pleading, and bringing proof that the soon-to-be Rebbe should take over the leadership. Throughout the year, there were small signs and hints that all the efforts would bear fruit but nothing definitive.

Finally, on the Previous Rebbe’s first yahrzeit, a Farbrengen (Chassidic gathering) was called in 770. Many came out to see what would take place. Finally, after a long and confusing year, The Previous Rebbe’s son-in-law sat at the head of the room and made it clear that a new generation had begun with a clear mission statement. The Rebbe began to say a Maamar (Deep Chassidic discourse) that reveals the responsibility of a faithful shepherd coming to care for his flock.

The discourse opened with the famous words, Basi Lgani- come into my garden. With this the Rebbe told the Chassidim and the many other Jews at the Fabringen that we are going to transform this world to reveal the garden it was truly intended to be. This garden will be cultivated through hard work. The entire trajectory of history has waited for the unprecedented action this new generation is capable of. Over the years, the Rebbe would expound on this message and push forward on the original mission statement. Through the Rebbe’s leadership, an orphaned generation has rebuilt and redoubled in strength and fortitude. Whether providing kosher meals on a college campus or putting up mezuzas in a newly bought home, delivering freshly baked challahs to brighten someone’s day, moving to the furthest reaches of the world to help an Israeli backpacker stuck in a terrible situation, politicians, builders of nations, businessmen, teachers, and spiritual seekers; the Rebbe’s vision has applied to all near and far, spiritually or geographically. Here we are 70 years later, living the mission statement. This world is really Hashem’s garden…even when driving on the Jackie Robinson , 1 mile till empty and no gas station in sight…

On the anniversary of this day, we rededicate ourselves to the mission statement and celebrate the accomplishments that have been achieved. While we see the success, we forge ahead, always looking for ways cultivate this beautiful garden.

May it be with Moshiach Tzidkanu immediately!

    I take Rosh Hashanah pretty seriously.  I value the days themselves and the amount of power they bring with them.  Every year, I work extremely hard leading up to the Holiday.  There is always plenty of cooking, cleaning, laundry and shopping that seem endless and never adequate. In addition to the preparations that will affect our physical comfort, I put a lot of stock in preparing spiritually. New concepts through learning and deep discussion usually set the tone for how I will approach this awe inspiring day filled with Infinite potential for the year ahead.  I try to look over the previous year and assess my strengths and weaknesses.  My successes are taken very seriously and used to draw strength in the year ahead. The areas I fell short are examined to come up with a plan to do better going forward.  On a calm day, the days are packed so making time for this reflection shows its inherent value.

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